The Chosen Ones Anonymous

A Play

By Gene Paris

Dr. Godfrey

Moses

Elijah

Jonah

Jesus

Joseph Smith

Khomeini

Ayesha

Trump

Session Begins: The Chosen Ones  are sitting in a round table. They seem stressed.

Dr. Godfrey:
 Welcome, everyone. I’m honored to have you here. Let’s start with some introductions and how you’re feeling today. Moses?
Moses:
Hi, I’m Moses, as you now, but for people who need to know about the Chosen, I’ve been leading a traumatized, stubborn population through a desert for 40 years and I was denied access to a land I literally risked my life to reach. So, you know… I’m thriving.
Jesus (calmly):
 I died for everyone. Literally. And half of them still won’t recycle.
Dr. Godfrey:
 Okay, let’s validate the suffering in the room. That’s a lot of spiritual labor. Elijah, would you like to share next?
Elijah:
I didn’t know why I was chosen as a Pyro man.  After Mount Carmel, I asked God to kill me. Instead, He gave me a pat on the back and told me keep going.  I’m starting to think Heaven doesn’t understand mental health.
Jesus (softly):
 I feel that. I tried to rest only once on a Sunday, mind you, and a crowd of 5,000 showed up. With no food, because they think I always have bread and wine on me.
Moses:
 One time, I went up a mountain for a little alone time, and by the time I came back down, they built a holy cow with all the gold we had borrowed from the Egyptians.
Dr. Godfrey:
 You’re all doing sacred work, but you’re still human—or were at one point. You’re allowed to rest. You’re allowed to be frustrated. And you’re allowed to say, “No, actually I can’t save everyone today.”
Moses:
 Even to God?
Dr. Godfrey:
 Especially to God.
Jesus (nods):
 I might need that tattooed somewhere.
Dr. Godfrey: Announcement
Next Monday we will pick up where we left off on Zoom. I will send you a link.  You don’t have to be on the screen but let me see that you are there.

Monday Morning Check-in

Jesus:
 Morning father, saints and slightly traumatized sages. Who else woke up ready to save the world?

Jonah:
 Bro, I never wake up ready to save the world. I wake up hoping Nineveh doesn’t text me.

Moses:
 You know what would be nice? A day off where no one  asks me to “just part a little sea for fun.”

Elijah:
 Or lights things on fire “for the aesthetic.”
 LIKE—this is a miracle, Chrissy, not a fireworks show.

Khomeini  joins the chat

Khomeini:
 Salam. Sorry I’m late. I was answering a dozen questions about halal gummy bears and whether cats go to heaven, also.

Jesus:
 Brother… I feel you.
 Last week someone asked if it’s okay to pray for their dog’s crypto portfolio.

Jonah:
 I just want one week without someone asking if “getting swallowed by a fish was a metaphor for procrastination.”

Joseph Smith joins the chat

Joseph Smith:
 Hey y’all! Just translated a fresh new scroll and invented root beer. Anyone want in?

Elijah:
 Do they self-destruct like yours last time?

Ayesha enters the Club

Ayesha

Is this for boys only?

Jesus

Not at all. Actually, my friend Mary was going to stop by. She is a fan.

Therapy Check-In

Dr. Godfrey:
 Gentle reminder:

 ✅ Welcome aboard you two. Listen up, everyone. You may say “No” to fan requests and miracle encores.
 ✅ Burnout is not a virtue. Final Thoughts?

Jesus:
 Yes, Imagine a world where prophets take naps, set boundaries, and don’t have to explain theology on TikTok.

Khomeini:
 InshAllah. Also, tell the youth I’m not on Discord. That was a fake Hadith server Lily Jay made up.

Joseph Smith:
 And for the record, I love Egypt and the pyramids particularly the Rosetta Stone, but I did not invent MLM. That was… Utah.  Pyramid Scheme is the only place you pretend you are selling somethin, but don’t sell anything. It’s the only place a Mormon can lie and not be sinful.

Ayesha

Ah…What is a Utah? Is this chat for Americans with their abbreviations?

Trump shows up on the screen.

Trump:
 HELLO EVERYONE.

 I see someone says, Americans only.  That’s what I always say. America for Americans only.  It took me an hour to get my password set up. I could hear but couldn’t speak- Unfair.

You know parting the Red Sea is nothing, I parted CNN’s ratings. Just saying. Tremendous.

Moses:
 …I’ve been gone for five minutes and we’ve already got plagues and politics in a Golden Calf?

Jonah:
 Can someone explain what’s happening? Is he a Prophet of a tax break for the rich?

Khomeini:
 Are we hacked? Who included him in the chat?

Joseph Smith:
 It’s not exactly a war chat room.  Technically anyone can join the chat if they think they’re chosen. That’s how I got here.

Moses

Is God sending down a President Prophet now? What commandment did you bring?

Trump:
 Your commandments were for kindergarteners. I have the best commandments. People say so.
 You had two big tablets, but I do mine in 150 characters on a little screen. That’s called efficiency.

Moses:
 Mine were literally carved by God with one finger at a time.

Trump:
 God and I are very close. He said I’m doing a great job. Best job. Maybe the best job any prophet-president has ever done. Possibly.

Dr. Godfrey
 Donald?! Are you here for therapy or trying to start a new book in the Bible?

Trump:
 How did you know? Thinking of calling it the Art of the Covenant.
 Already working on golden plates, might put my face on one. Iconic.

Joseph Smith:
 Hey now, that’s my brand.

Ayesha

This seems to be only boys’ club. Dr. Godfrey, why everyone in the same tribe are invited? Are the Chinese fine? Are Hindus fine? Are Persian prophets fine? Are we saying that only Abraham’s tribe needs therapy?

Jesus

If I may say something on behalf of others, we love Buddha. We love Zoroaster.  You can see all over the place that they inspired us.  But we all need to stop sacrificing ourselves and others. Dr. Godfrey is not here, but I can talk for him. These days God doesn’t approve of animal sacrifice.  That’s for Marduk and the Assyrians.

Moses

Really?  How about protein? Ah… the fragrance of barbecue.

Ayesha

Dr. Godfrey. Are you with us? None of these prophets makes any sense.  Get their wives in the next time and see what they think of them. I should know. Men like to talk about their Bar-B-Qs when women make everything else.

Joseph Smith

Are you a chosen one. You are not even an  American.

Ayesha

I’m not only the Chosen Ones, but I was chosen by the Chosen One, what do you say, the cream of the crop at a very early age.  You got there when you were 40 years old.  I was nine when I was chosen. 

Joseph Smith

Correction.  I had my first vision at 14. I wrote my book, I mean I translated the Book when I was 24 without knowing the language.  You must be talking about the Middle Eastern prophets.

Ayesha

I’m talking about all those prophets who hate dance, and all kinds of arts, music, and literature.

Joseph Smith

Well, we have the best classical music in our Tabernacle of all Christians in the world

Trump

And I paid a fortune to paint my portrait.  You have to see it to know arts.  Some people here may hate art, but not on this side of the world. Have you seen Moses with horns? The good thing about the Western Art is everyone can go around naked.

Moses

I don’t like those. At least most women wear wigs in those. We are not against music or art, but  we think it’s more important to prey all day. Wouldn’t you say that Dr. Godfrey?

Ayesha

Pray for what? That I had an accident and I’m paralized, but pray that he saved me?  I like Dr. Godfrey better.  He gives us space to talk about our feelings, not about him all the time.

Trump

Feelings?  Your feelings take you up and down and accuse men for this or that. Be a little stable, woman.  That’s why God never chose a woman.  You question even the God because he is a man. Let me tell you something, man’s word is man’s word.   Men don’t change their minds all the time. I actually should tweet this. Smart and Stable, and…. Humble.

Dr. Godfrey appears on screen:

Dr. Godfrey:
 Gentle reminder: This is a therapeutic space.  No self-anointing mid-session. No campaign speeches.  Please watch for emotional vulnerability… catchphrases… we only want the underappreciated prophets to talk. How did you hear about us, Donald?

Trump

I saw the flier that some of these people have not been appreciated, but some say I’m the most persecuted prophet of all time. The media is completely unfair.  I’m saying completely unfair.

Elijah:
 I’ll be honest, I did just call down fire, but only because I thought he was trying to build a second Tower of Babel.

Trump:
 I would’ve made it taller. And classier.
 No more wandering in the desert. We build a resort around the tower. With gold elevators.
 Call it “Heaven 2.0.”

Moses:
 I am this close to turning my staff into a snake again.

Khomeini:
 I’ve been quite all this time but who let him into this group?
 Is there a fatwa process or is it just vibes?

Trump:
 Great to meet you, Khomeini. People say we have a lot in common. Both extremely powerful. Both love crowds. Your rallies bring millions. I can bit that. But I think both of us are misunderstood. Some say I’m a revolutionary; another Khomeini.

Khomeini:
 You mean cockamamie with nuclear codes.
 Please sit down.

Joseph Smith:
 Yo, Khomeini, do you want a custom revelation scrolls? I can add your quotes in gold ink! I can get it delivered to you in two months.

Khomeini:
 Only if the ink is halal, but can you make it as real as Mark Hoffman?

Ayesha

Dr. Godfrey., can you make sense of any of these men talks?

No reaction.  Dr. Godfrey is watching something on his screen. Jesus types all in lowercase:

Jesus:
 khomeini, how are you doing?
 no titles. no sermons. just… you. are you proud of what you did to the world?

Khomeini:
 I’m exhausted.
 Everyone wants a revolution, but no one wants the ideology.

Later that day…Ayesha texts some exclamation marks. Dr. Godfrey does not respond. A few minutes later, a reaction:

Khomeini:
 I’d like to propose we rename this chat:
 “The Burdened Ones™”

Moses:
 Or “Chosen and Emotionally Wrecked.”

Joseph Smith:
 “Golden Revelations in North America”?

Ayesha

I’m out of this boring chatroom.  invite some sane people. Bring in some women, and I may come back. I’m out!

Trump:
 Bye, Ayesha. Ah… She is gone.  From the time she came in, she started complaining.  You never catch me with her! Ever.

Joseph Smith

Not my type either.  Is she married?

Dr. Godfrey enters the chat

✅ I’m here… Ah she dropped and left

✅I have to mention that she had some points and we always love to have her back

✅Gentle reminder: You’re not here to be everything for everyone.
 ✅ You don’t need to start a religion every time you get inspired.

✅I may have been unfair to have only appealed to men. But, we are neither here or there.  What did you finally decide to name this group?  Let’s not only focus on the Western part of the world. She was right.  We are just 25% of the world population, but we get 75% of the world’s therapy sessions. So come up with a name that’s for the whole world.

Trump

Trump and Others. I think that’s such a cool, clean name. Cleaner than Coal.

Khomeini:
 I’m leaving the Rumpus.

Jesus:
 No no no, stay—this is your burning bush moment of emotional growth.

Khomeini:
 “This retreat is not Sharia compliant. We need to retreat at least 1400 years back.”

Trump:
 “Retreat is always good. Let’s make prophecy great again. I have made many retreats—now I’m building heaven. Tremendous.

Jesus

Father are you satisfied with the suggestion?

Dr. Godfrey

Yes, my son. Let’s go with that: Trump and Others.

One by one, they drop the chat.

A trailer is coming up:

 A Netflix Original Satirical Dramedy
 Rated: D (for Divine Dysfunction)

Watch out for the trailer; It’s an 18-wheeler!