Stories My Grandpa Told me
How Paul Bunyan Changed the Map of the USA Forever
"Them settlers," began Grandpa, "were tough people, they were... hauling the carriage the giant baby, Paul Bunyan, was lyin' on.
"Anyways, the settlers got busy and soon developed four types of jobs that provided the best dough – huntin' loggin', farmin', and gamblin'..."
"Shore, mah boy, gambling is a respectable job now... So, if I may?"
I swallowed my thoughts.
"I was saying that there wasn't much farmin' going on... Besides selling badly toasted bread on eBay. This fact is important because it involves Paul Bunyan..."
Then Paul Bunyan pushed and jostled them blockheaded mountains... "Let's do rock and roll, baby; I rock; you roll."
“Clear the mountains?” I asked, “This is weird.”
“Yes, my dear boy...”
This part I could understand—that the mountains are not very good with echoes...
“After several days of arguments...” Grandpa continued...
I looked at the map and saw that he was right... so I said:
He got my atlas and looked at it...
I threw up my hands in confusion... “You tell me!” Grandpa was looking around...
“You know, I thought you’d get some grapes...”
“You are looking at Paul Bunyan’s foothold, mah boy!” Grandpa remarked... footprints are all over the place if you look careful.
Me: "Hold on, Grandpa. Is gambling a job?"
My boy, gambling is a respectable job now. You haven't been to Las Vegas, have you? When your dad comes home, ask him to check the IRS website to see how gamblers can deduct the cost of luxury hotels and lavish parties.
Then Paul Bunyan pushed and jostled them blockheaded mountains... "Let's do rock and roll, baby; I rock; you roll."
Grandpa talks about the geography of America.
“What do you mean, Grandpa?” I had to interrupt. “We still have loggers... like tiny Jack, as you yourself said!”
Grandpa laughed and took a big gulp...
“Paul Bunyan: ‘His feet on the ground, his head in the sky,’ ... push ‘em to the country's eastern edge.”
Paul Bunyan: “Git out o’the way!”
Mountains: “Cheers up with your ale!”
Paul Bunyan: “You are sayin’ to me what?”
Mountains: “You’re paying me with donuts?”
This part I could understand—that the mountains are not very good with echoes...
“After several days of arguments...” Grandpa continued...
Today’s map of the U.S. Mountains. To separate the Rocky Mountains from the Appalachians was more complicated than separating Romeo from Juliet, but somebody had to do it.
Me: “So you are saying these are all his mess in Dakotas and Wyoming?”
He got my atlas and looked at it...
Grandpa: “That’s it, all right, in South Dakota, see? Now, where do you think they’d make the statue of Sioux Chief Crazy Horse? Wyoming? No, Siree.”
Me: “But grandpa! How about these mountains in the east? See, they’re in rows straight from Virginia to Pennsylvania to New England, where he started?”